For some strange reason – well, not so much a strange reason as much as a blessing – December of 2015 became a month of transformation for me. Something so simple dawned on me, in the form of a new practical application of the idea of “Perspective.” How we see things.
I realized that, to a great extent, we are in control of our own happiness.
It sounds simple and I think, in some way or another, I’ve preached this secular sermon to friends and family alike but, last month, something just clicked. I don’t believe we control every single thing in our lives. If that were the case, folks wouldn’t be dying in these streets, hungry, or homeless. However, I don’t believe that Big Homie has usurped our choices either. Even when things happen in our lives that truly are beyond our control, we can choose how we react to them. We can choose how we see them, and we can choose to see the Silver Lining. Word to Jazmine. Even though I’ve always been a Silver Lining type of brotha, it wasn’t until last month that I really started to put those thoughts into action and daily perspective.
It’s always been very easy for me to encourage others, as there are a lot of people I genuinely believe in and, for me, it’s very easy to see the light that shines from within them. I can say, with my whole heart, that I believe every word of encouragement I give folks. “There is purpose in all things” or “Everything will work out the way it’s supposed to” are not just vomit-worthy self-help mantras. I believe that shit. I really do. So, finally, I had to confront myself about waiting for the other shoe to drop when it comes to my own life. It’s not that I expect things to go sideways for Self but I think, over the years, I’ve resigned myself to the “fact” that happiness - true happiness - is a beautiful construct but not necessarily something that would make its way into MY life. And THERE, right there, was my issue. I was waiting for happiness to come to me. Nah. No Sir, no Ma’am. That’s not the way it goes.
Sure, I’d worked hard in and out of school, making my way into young adulthood without any major episodes of fuckery but… What was I really doing? I remember feeling magnificently alive, in the creative space that was Art School, to feeling ridiculously immobile, while stuck in the doldrums of unemployment, only to discover those doldrums were nothing compared to the misery of getting into another 9-to-5 when you know damn well that ain’t your jam, jelly, or butter. Ahh, but that 9-to-5 is in your field! That word. FIELD. Ugghh. As if putting myself in my “field” would be life’s sirens’ song to the sailors of happiness. N O P E. Pop a “K” in, word to Leslie. Again, that’s not how it works. Happiness isn’t some destination or something that happens when you make the “right choices.” Sidenote, the “right choice” is a whole ‘nother story bee tee dubya.
No, happiness requires honesty with Self, and that can take a while. I’m still working on it but as I’ve revealed more of me to me, I find that he’s been quite receptive. He’s actually rewarded my honesty and one of those rewards has been this new perspective. See, y’all ain’t think I’d circle back but ya boy laced up his ice skates and Surya Bonaly’d right back to my point: Perspective. December. We back.
So, last month, the winds of change were blowing especially wild and free and I began to see things differently. It started with excitement to go home for the Holidays and get a respite from LA. In the excitement, I began being more productive with my creative endeavors. Part of that honesty I mentioned earlier involved me admitting how much I want to sing. Not to family. Not to friends. Not to anyone but myself. I had to keep it a hunnit and speak my truth even if it was old news: I. Want. To. Sing. Whose permission did I need? No one's.
"I stopped asking for permission and started giving notice." - Lisa Nichols. MESSAGE.
I’ve wanted to sing since I was five years old. I want to write stories. I want to share them. I want to sing them. I want to create sounds. I want to share sounds. I want to give to Music what Music has given me for so long. Love. Pain. Honesty. Life. I want to share my perspective and help change the world even if it’s in some small way. I want to do my part. Art.
Then came recording.
You see, in Art School, you can create whenever you feel like it. I could check out a studio, sing my heart out, mix up sounds, edit, and mix to my heart’s content with such lovely and reckless abandon. Time? Nah, who worries about that? Just create and share! After moving back into the “real world,” I was reminded of that “real world” perspective. Things cost money and some of those delightful things include food, shelter, sartorial situations, libations, transportation, and all that jazz. So, as a young adult, I got stuck in the dreaded practicality of life. While I still wrote and kept track of my ideas, I didn’t record or create as much as I had the years before—in art school or other wise. Don’t get me wrong, you do need to be able to support yourself—especially in this climate—and I’m more fortunate than many to have a job that’s never late with a direct deposit. Amen? Amen. That said, you cannot let the practicality of life extinguish your freedom as a creative being. There’s more than one way to brew yo’ tea. Thus, I began incorporating my creativity into the practicality.
After work, I’d record. On the weekends, I’d record.
There’s nothing like being away from your purpose, then returning to it, to remind you of who you are. It was the best December ever, aside from Sara Bareilles’ gorgeous track from The Blessed Unrest. I made so much headway on the work and went home feeling great about the end of a rough year that had me so much in my head I got sick of me. Okay, not really. I love me some me….but it took me a while to get here. Anyway, I got some much-needed time with my family and friends. My People. ‘Preciate ya, Chronos. It was during a conversation with one of my favorite Living Ancestors, Godmother, when I, as they say, “got my whole life” and watered the seeds for the flower of perspective with which I entered 2016.
First off, my Godmother is BOMB. She is absurdly profound without being condescending. She’s a killer soprano. She’s one of the genuinely warmest spirits you’ll ever meet in life… I won’t bore you with the tales of her excellence. I could…but I won’t. So anyway, we’re talking about any and everything, as we do, and she begins telling me about being open to receive what the Universe has to give. We talked about not blocking your blessing by expecting it to come designed according to YOUR blueprint. It was then, that I shared what I learned thus far in December. I heard my voice say aloud what I’d been feeling for a while: “To a great extent, we are in control of our own happiness.” I found ownership of my life in a phrase I’m sure everyone from Iyanla Vanzant to Deepak Chopra has said in one way or another…but I shan’t assume. Love Iyanla, bee tee dubya. “NOT ON MY WATCH!” Anyway, I don’t know if that realization was as earth shattering to anyone else, as it was for me, but it brought me here to 2016 with a perspective of positivity, for myself, that I usually reserved for others.
I’ve always believed in the power of perspective but I feel like I’ve truly embraced it this year. I am challenging the way I see my highs, my lows, and how that sight effects me. I don't want to be defined by my situation so that may mean looking at my situation differently from my mind's default. Am I where I want to be? No, but there is beauty in the Inbetween – word to Stacy. I can find joy in taking steps to get where I want to be, even if that changes with time.
Finding the silver lining everyday is hard. It always has been and always will be. Sometimes, I fail. But for the first time in a while, I’m truly seeking it out. I have to remind myself to do it…but I am doing it. This doesn’t mean I don’t see the pain. My silver lining is about truth. I have to be honest. We’re dying. Unjustly. Prematurely. There’s so much darkness. Not the beautiful darkness of my people but Death. Destruction. War. Famine. Poverty. Folks in Flint can’t even drink their water.
But there’s also Life. Love. Art. Laughter. Kindness. Compassion. Sympathy. I’m learning to practice what I preach. When you encourage others, listen to what you say. Listen to what others say to you. Help somebody while you’re analyzing what you’ve heard. See the world in different ways. Share what you’ve seen. It’s all perspective and only you get to decide how you see the world. From there, who knows how you could move, where you could grow, and who you could meet.
So, here I am: New Year and on the Eve of 28. I have a lot more work to do but I’m excited about it. I’m awake. 3rd Eye peeled, heart open. Allat. I’m up. Like Sister Mary Clarence said: “If you wanna be somebody and you wanna go somewhere, you better wake up and pay attention.” LOL. But for real, though.